A whirlwind. That's how I'd describe the past 100 days. Spinning uncontrollably, with an eye of stillness in the center (when I can find it). Like the tornadoes that ravished our region a few weeks before Johnny left, some areas of my life have been left untouched, while others don't even resemble what they were before it all started.
Since I dropped off my man that early morning three months ago, we've moved into a different house (love it), a dear friend has unexpectantly and tragically passed away, we've had houseguests (more than once), we've taken a road trip to visit loved ones (wore me out), my mom was diagnosed with (and treated for) breast cancer, the kids used up all their free CYS $$ taking (a lot of time consuming, but) fun and informative classes, we hosted a 5 day bible club in our yard on the hottest week of the year, and we've met a few new neighbors and farewelled those we've grown to love over this past year. That doesn't even include kids church, deployed spouses groups, coffees, a retreat, or the 4-a-week soccer practices, driving practice, and my newest endeavor: Couch25K!!. And then there was the earthquake and a hurricane, both minor, but real. The summer is winding down (thank You Lord) and homeschool started back up full force a few weeks ago, forcing me to re-evaluate and reflect.
Finally, I am grabbing onto a new normal without my man here, but it is taking some getting used to. The bad things still feel worse without his physical presence. I just plain miss my man, he really is my best friend. The good times are not quite as fun as they would be if he were here. Even though I started with a goal of rest, I realize with only one third of the deployment under my belt, I'm exhausted. My emotions are even keel more often, but I still experience highs and lows, a surge of feelings that I don't always realize is there, until it's THERE! No warning, just boom.
There's new realization, and new revelation that in order to say YES to the BEST things, I must say NO to some really GOOD things. And that's difficult. For me, I must learn to be still, and not just be still, but stay still, and listen. In order to say yes to being the best teacher of my children in this season, I must say no to a weekly women's bible study. What God? Could I really being hearing you correctly? In order to truly thrive during this deployment, I had to choose not to attend a deployed spouse group for now. In order to really rest, I did not sign up for the last free retreat (which actually wears my introverted self out instead of refreshing me.) I must say no to the cheesecake I so love, and yes to more crunchy veggies; and no to the ever so convenient snooze button and yes to a dreaded jog before the sun comes up. Or maybe it's no to my favorite tv show, so I can hit the sack at a decent time, or no to an invitation so that I can have a blurry and disconnected, but sweet Skype date with the love of my life when it is most convenient for him?
I'm learning to hear His voice more clearly, to recognize it more quickly. I'm learning to stop thinking about what I want or even what seems good, but listen to what He says I need. I'm learning to obey, and I'm seeing the evidence of blessing when I do. I'm learning to slow down even when the winds of the world swirl around me. I recognize that just because something is good for another, it might not be what's best for me. I'm realizing that I can trust Him even when it doesn't make sense. His boundaries don't trap me, they bring me safety. I remember that His thoughts are so much higher than mine, of course He knows best. I believe He has good plans for me, even when they are different than what I imagined.
Lord, continue to still my soul. You are my anchor in this storm. I will cling to you with all I've got and know that You will never let go even if I lose my grip. I trust you even when I don't completely understand. You are what's best for me, no matter what. Have Your way.
