Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Day 5

How can weekends be full throttle when he’s home, and feel like they drag on when he’s gone?  Like every hour has twice as many minutes. I wanna check the battery in the clock to see if it’s still working. I love weekends because my hubby is home. I feel a little lost without him. Not because I don’t know where I am. But because I don’t know what to do. I have things to do, a list actually. But the lack of him has changed everything.  I have no motivation (just ask my kids about meal times-it’s definitely different when I know daddy is coming home). At the same time, lying around sounds even less appealing. This is restlessness. The exact opposite of what I am asking God to teach me, what I want to experience.  Honestly, if Johnny were home, he would probably be sitting at his computer or watching a basketball game. I wouldn’t be at his side right now or have his full attention. Why do I miss that so much? Just knowing he’s close I guess.  Available if I need him or wanna cuddle,  if I wanna say something to him without typing it or waiting for him to call.

 I wanna learn to REST when I know where Johnny is, and when I don’t.  When I’m alone, or when we’re together.  When I can see him and when I can’t.  I wanna  REST in the busyness of summer, and REST in the slowness of weekends without him. I wanna REST in faith, knowing that my God is Who He says He is no matter which mood or circumstance I find myself, whether my husband is at home or in the war zone. That’s really what it comes down to. This is not about me. My focus is ajar.  I have to stop focusing on the fact that my husband is deployed. I need to focus on the truth that my God will never leave me or forsake me, He doesn’t deploy. Nothing can separate me from His love.  I yearn for contentment.  Peace. Rest in my soul. I know the “right” things to do. Pray, worship, be thankful. Be in His Word. I am. And yet I feel restless on the inside.  Like when you’re hungry, and craving something, but you can’t exactly put your finger on it. Nothing in the pantry looks satisfying, or tastes quite like what you want.

I know what I want is my husband- here with me. I know what I need is my God.  He is the One who can fix this problem.  Not by bringing my man home, but by calming my spirit. Lord, help me focus my eyes on You. Tune my ears into what You are saying to me. You rejoice over me with singing. Let me hear the song. Transform my heart according to Your plans, not mine. Quiet me with Your Love Jesus. Take off my blinders.  Cut loose whatever is holding me back from experiencing Your fullness. Instead of focusing on what I don’t have, Help me fix my eyes on what I do have- the God of the universe who wants to abide with me, when my husband is home, and when he is gone.

I am seeking Him. The One who deserves all glory and honor, no matter what. My Protector and my Provider. The One who loves me more than my husband is able. The One who gave me Johnny. The One who set up our meeting that day during freshman week at college. The One who knows our past and loves us anyway. The very One who has redeemed our relationship and shown us how to love each other the way we do.  My eternal  bridegroom. The One Who died so that I can live. He is more than enough. And He promises that if I seek Him I will find Him. I believe it. I'll wait on Him.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3:22-26

Day 4

About half way thru today the dark clouds rolled in, a quick storm came through, leaving the day looking like evening hours before dinnertime. It was only 3:00, and it was feeling like Friday night already. The lack of light kinda played with my mind, we still had half the day left, even though it didn’t look like it outside.  This was gonna be a long one. I don’t particularly enjoy Friday nights during the deployment. Weekends seem like slow motion when Johnny is not around. I wouldn’t mind DVRing  this year so that I could fast forward thru the weekends. I’m used to him being gone during the week, sometimes even until late. But for the most part the weekends are for hanging out with family. Resting from work. Chillin with my favorite guy. We don’t even do much sometimes, but at least we’re together. Loneliness was creeping in. Just a week ago another family was over for dinner, hanging out,  doing normal family stuff. That seems so far away now.

But God is good. All the time. When time is flying by. And when time is standing still.

I heard my phone. A text message. And to my delight it was from my husband!!!! I guess our days of texting are not over after all. He can message my phone for free thru an instant messenger on his computer( when he’s in his room. )  SO I can’t really get a hold of him, but he can get a hold of me. We chatted for a few, and got to say good night- for him. I still had several hours til bed for me.

I’ve talked to him a little today. Skype to skype on our phones. Once in the middle of the night (he says it was an accident, but I am  super glad he did it), and a few tries this morning. It was sketchy, but better than nothing at all.  Probably only about 30 seconds at a time, with broken sound.  And then he called my phone from his computer, was so glad I answered that unknown number. We got to catch up for almost 5 minutes. Hearing his familiar voice was like a quick fill up for my love tank. I couldn’t quit smiling. It costs a few cents a minute, but I would pay much more. I miss that quick call he gives me each night when he’s about to leave work, so I’ll know I have 30 minutes to finish fixing dinner.

 Cleaned up the leftover tacos, and was flipping thru channels when I heard the voice of a special neighbor that I wasn’t expecting.  One of those sister friends I’m so thankful for. A chat on the couch while the girls danced and played. Before I knew it, she was on her way back down the street and I realized that my Father had saved me from the lonely Friday night I had anticipated, and dreaded. He is gracious, and so sweet to me. I had made it this whole day without crying, but now tears are starting to drip as I realize His faithfulness and gentleness with me. Jesus cares about my heart. I know I’ll have some lonely nights, but tonight wasn’t one of them, and for that I am extremely grateful. His grace really is enough for me.

A couple times today I got the giggles over silly stuff. I haven’t laughed like that in awhile. The kids were laughing too. Each laugh seems like it unlocks something in my heart. Something good. That  proverb says a cheerful heart is like good medicine. It’s true. In His presence is fullness of joy. That’s where I wanna be.

For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

Night 3

I should be in bed, my schedule’s out of whack. Probably still avoiding the empty bed a little. Today was decent. The only time I teared up was when we were picking out Father’s Day cards.

 There was a sense of normal. The kids had dentist appointments, no cavities!  Then a trip to the store, needed to get out of the house for a bit. That was enough, Ready to be back home. I guess maybe I’m a little restless. Not sure what I want.  My emotions are subdued, but I still feel somewhat out of sorts.

 The mailman surprised me with a package and a card, both from fellow army wife friends who’ve moved on to other stations. Friends who are more like sisters. It’s wild , and so so gracious of God, how I could live close to someone for just a year, maybe two,  and feel like they know me as well or better than many of the peeps who have known me all my life. That’s how army life can be, if you let it.

Got a quick email this evening. Johnny arrived safely.  Thank You Jesus. It’s hard to believe he’s half way around the world. He’s where he’s gonna be for the next year. But his stuff’s all here.  Like he could walk in anytime.  A closet full of clothes.  His shoes by the door. Towel on the rack. His bar of soap in the bathtub. That half drunk Gatorade is still in the fridge, and so is the special strawberry topping that only he eats. I keep making enough coffee for both of us.  There’s an empty spot at the table. Dinner time is definitely not the same. I really don’t think it can be. Little reminders  are everywhere -my man is not here.

 Sipped coffee  around the table with the neighbors, I will miss living out here.  Then I spent the evening out with some girlfriends. Dinner and some grown up talk does a body good.  I enjoyed it.  I’m thankful to get my mind off of what I keep thinking of.  Although I do have to fight the twinge of guilt that sneeks up when I remember where my man is. I don’t think he would want me to feel guilty. Why is it weird to feel happy?

Today, I don’t really even know what to pray. I know I’m desperate for God. That I need Him is an understatement. He’s who’s holding me together. I know I’m thankful for my hubby and my shiny teethed children, for sisterfriends , old and new. I’m anchored. I’m secure. I’m firm in Him. I don’t have to ask Him anything today. He knows what I need. He just wants me to come, and be. With Him. And that’s where I am. That’s what I need.

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you. Isaiah 60:1

Day 3


 I hear the birds chirping this morning. At the kitchen sink, an amazing blood orange sun rose over the neighbor’s house.  The morning java I’m sipping is better than any coffee shop brew I’ve tasted in a long time. I even gave myself a squirt of perfume before I came downstairs for the day. Have I been numb these past two days, these past few weeks, and not even known?  I hadn’t noticed that I wasn’t noticing these details lately. Maybe the emotion, the anticipation and grief of “losing” my soldier, was muddying my senses. That’s gotta be it, cause I wasn’t numb, I have felt real things –A LOT- this past month.  But as I climbed outta bed today, something was different. Maybe this is the joy that comes in the morning.  It’s not the kind of joy or excitement  that buzzes with celebration when you’re surrounded by people you love, with  hoots and hollers of laughter.  Not loud and exuberant. Not showy. It’s a quiet joy.  A contentment breaking thru the sadness, like that sunrise this morning. A light shining in the darkness. The darkness starts to disappear.

The Lord stood with me and strengthened me…. 2 Timothy 4:17a

The end of Day 2

More than survive, we’re gonna thrive.  Made it through two whole days. Some of the hours have really gone slowly. Got to hear his voice today, a couple times.  Savored those minutes. I know I’ll hear it some while he’s gone, although they say the communication capabilities will grow less and less as times go on. It’s not gonna be like the last deployment we experienced, not as good as far as talking goes. Still, I’m thankful we live in such a time as this. I have a real respect for those who lived through the earlier wars. We really have nothing to complain about.

Our second move (without my man) in less than a year, is coming quickly.  Johnny and I chose this one. It’ll be easier than the last. And once we’re settled, life will be a little simpler. We don’t have to say goodbye this time. Last summers’ farewells are still fresh enough.  It’s hard to believe it has been almost a whole YEAR since God replanted us here- which is nice to think, because maybe next May I will be thinking the same thing.

As I take down the curtains and the artwork, leaving the bare walls to patch, I sense God is doing a similar thing in my soul. Like He’s whispering to me while I wash off the scuffs.  He’s saying something when I empty off those shelves and purge stuff we don’t need or use. Some kind of work in me. He’s cleaning out. He’s stripping stuff away. Like a parallel in the physical and the spiritual, that I don’t exactly have words for yet.  It’s about time to reorganize, to change stuff around. Maybe some new priorities?  Redecorating! I don’t know what the new “place” is gonna look like completely. I have some ideas. It will definitely include some of the things I’ve acquired over the years. But it’s time to give up some junk too, get rid of clutter.  Simplification.  Time to make room for better things.  . I’m not sure exactly what it all means, but I’m getting excited.

New strength. I could feel it rising in me as the day went on. Some hope. A bigger realization that I can do this, through Christ. His power available to me, waiting to be accessed, but also already at work. His power made perfect in my weakness. Sounds crazy, but it’s truth. God’s Word does not return void. I don’t know how He does it, but He does. It’s part of who He is. A Healer. The Healer. He can heal our hearts, even our minds, if we let Him. Just like He heals our bodies.  It takes time. Sometimes longer than others. One morning the sore is still kinda raw, You try not to think about it, but an accidental bump makes it sting and reminds you it’s there. And then when you’re getting into bed that night, or maybe a few nights later, you realize, it’s not just scabbing over, it’s starting to go away. There’s a scar, but no pain.

I don’t mean that I don’t miss my hubby anymore. I  DO- more than I can explain with words.  And it still hurts. But the sting of him leaving does not feel the same way it did 48 hours ago.  I’m not gonna stop missing him, no matter how long he’s gone. I love him too much for that, he’s part of who I am.  But the rawness of reality has already started to scab over. My emotions are no longer ruling my heart. They’re still there, but I’m not letting them be in charge anymore. God made me a girl who feels deeply, and that is a good thing, it’s not a mistake. But He also created me as a daughter who understands her Daddy has planned His best for her. If this is what He has chosen, then I’m trusting it’s what’s best for me, even when it hurts. I’ll work with these emotions while I keep my gaze on Him. He’s binding up my broken heart. He’s not gonna let me sink. This story is not over, this chapter’s just getting started.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength…… Isaiah 30:15

Day 2

 Avoided going to bed last night, for a little while.  Like if I didn’t go up there, then there would not be an empty bed to get into.   The kids have been amazing. They truly are resilient. Thankful that God has given them to me, that I don’t have to do this year alone, alone. They were all tucked in, the house was dark and quiet again. How I like it—if Johnny is home.

I laid on the couch to watch a DVR’d show that I would usually save for after my hubby was home, so we could fast forward thru the commercials together.  The couch is more comfortable when he’s my pillow! And I think I almost made it to the end (Johnny always tells me if I wanna stay up, then I shouldn’t lay down), but must have fallen asleep, because all the sudden the Disney channel was blaring, I had missed a text from him, and I recognized it was time to make the dreaded climb up to the empty room. Make myself do it. Get it over with. Sleeping on the couch for a year is not a good plan.  Not for me at least. I need my rest.

Sometimes I tease the kids that I wish I had my own room like each one of them, but I now need to clarify. Now that I have my “own” room, I wish I didn’t.  I like sharing. I changed my mind. I don’t want my space. I want my man.

 There is less crying today, so far, less sadness, I think. Or maybe it’s just a little more controlled. Haven’t yet experience the joy that comes in the morning. I still seem like I am on the verge of tears very easily, like the dam could break at any time. Even other emotions I feel trigger that lump in my throat, and I close my eyes and hold my breath to try and hold back the river. Something in me, my heart, I suppose, just feels literally broken. Like something’s missing. And of course, I know what it is, who it is.

A sweet friend reminded me this morning what God says thru Isaiah. “I, even I, am the one who comforts you.” I need that Comfort, that Help, My Advocate. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. That’s me. Broken hearted and crushed in spirit. That means He’s near. He’s fighting for me. That gives me hope.

Praying for my man today. Praying he will be filled with strength and peace from God Almighty. The Lord gives strength to His people, He blesses His people with peace. Praying he will be kept safe, and yet walk confidently and without fear. – just got a text  while I was typing- he’s still stuck in an airport waiting for airplane maintenance, still, not even left the country yet, I dropped him off over 24 hours ago.—Asking God to use this time for His glory and purposes. To rest these guys and prepare them for the mission.   It is nice to get this “extra” communication with him a little before he leaves, leaves.

Time to figure out the NEW NORMAL. What will my days look like? Not that any day is ever the same. Or season. We move a lot, and so our normals change often. He’s doing something new. My Story with Johnny, and Our Story with God, is not over, and it’s not even on pause. It’s just a new chapter.  He’s thickening the plot.  He’s taking us new places. Roads thru the wilderness. By water in the desert, maybe there will be green pastures, new mercies every morning...I’m ready to take this journey with Him. God show me the way. Order my steps today. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear what You are doing. May the desires of my heart come from You.

Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

STILL DAY 1


Been thinking about all the things I have to be grateful for today. The fact that I miss all those crazy little things is a good sign. My man being my best friend is something to be thankful about. I have a good man. One who takes care of me in so many ways, even down to loading music on my Iphone last night, so I would have his tunes while he was gone. One who leads me well. A wise daddy to our kids. No wonder I miss him.


Been wondering what God has in store for me, for my kids this year. Kind of afraid to ask Him, honestly. His ways are so much higher than mine. His thoughts so much better. I know He's doing a new thing, just don't know exactly what that new thing is. One thing is clear. He's been reminding me for months now: BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.


 Shhhh....Be still, cease striving. Slow down. Be quiet. REST. Gwen Rest. Know that God is who He says He is, He does what He says He will. A Promise Keeper. Peace that passes all understanding. The Comforter who Protects. My Lord Who Provides. My Refuge. My Rock. Perfect Love that casts out all fear.A Hope that doesn't disappoint.  A Joy that is my Strength. My Rescuer, My Deliverer. Without Him, it's impossible. But not with Him. With Him, I can do all things.


 He's the one who knew me before I was born and had my days written in His book before I even existed. This deployment is not a surprise to Him. It's part of His plan. I can rest in that. I can rest in Him

…With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you…2 Peter 3:8b-9a

still day 1

Probably my last text message til next year just came thru, from Johnny.  I dropped him off about 9 hours ago. He said he’s boarding the plane finally. Who knows what all the day consisted of for him. I don’t get to know the details. I don’t need em. He loves me and he will contact me when  he can.

  It feels like forever ago that I kissed him goodbye, but it seems like just minutes have passed. How long is a year? How did we do this before?  It’s surreal, but it’s for real, he’s on his way out of the country, on a mission. When I see him next, our kids will be another year older. Jonni will have her driver’s license. Maliek will probably be taller than him. Kara will look like a young lady, not a baby girl anymore.  (hopefully I’ll be twenty pounds lighter!!) We will have lived in the next new house for longer than we have lived in this one.  We will be settled in a home that he has never stepped foot in.  It’s hard to fathom, even what our lives will look like by next spring. Who we will hang out with, what will we be in to. My heart can’t really line up with my head right now, to digest the fact that my man won’t be pulling that little car into the driveway tonight. He won’t even be home late for dinner. There won’t be any sweaty PT clothes lying in front of the washer waiting to be washed.  No one is gonna turn on ESPN tonight. There really won’t be anyone to cuddle with under those cool sheets and that squishy down comforter than we love so much. Not any big reason to shave my legs!  No one will poke me in the night to let me know I’m snoring again. No one will nudge me in the morning to let me know it’s time to get up. I guess I will make less coffee. Who will ever finish that pack of raisin oatmeal? I already miss things that don’t seem like they could, or should be missed.

How long will I stay on this edge of emotion?  How long will I be completely ok one minute and the verge of crying the next? What is my new normal? I don’t want a new normal. I want my best friend. The man of this house. I don’t like waterproof mascara. And I’m gonna need more eye gel soon.

But you know what? I am so completely honored to be the wife of a man who serves God and country at the same time. I am thankful to be his helpmeet and the mom of his kiddos. I love having his name. As much as I plain hate days like these, I can’t think of another life that I’d want to live. If he is a soldier, then I wanna be a soldier’s wife.  Period.

 And I trust that there’s not a detail that God doesn’t know about. He delights in the details of our lives. He knows what my kids are thinking and feeling even when I cannot tell. He knows what I need even before I ask. Nothing is too big, or too little, for Him. Not a deployment. Not a cockroach. He is able, and I trust Him.

The end of a thing is better than its beginning. Eccl. 7:8

Day 1

This morning I said goodbye (for now) again to the man of my dreams. I never imagined the life or relationship I would have with Johnny that day I met him outside the college cafeteria some 18 years ago.  Man, times flies. I give God all the glory for this life. I am ever so grateful for the man He placed in my life that day. We were just kids. But I knew the minute he called me “Taz”, and said I looked familiar, it was the beginning of something new God was doing.  Sounds crazy I know, but something inside of me did a flip right then, and my life has never been the same since. Like a piece of the puzzle snapped together.  Our story has bumps and turns, good times and bad, twists and trials; we’ve made our share of not so smart decisions along the way. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My story with Johnny. Our Story with God. It’s a story of redemption, a story of love, and a story about not giving up, a story filled with the fingerprints of God.  It was, and is still being, woven together by the Master Creator, ever so gently, and oh so beautifully.

The beginning of a deployment just plain SUCKS. Any seasoned army wife who has said it gets easier, LIED! IT gets HARDER! Yes, we learn to cope with this way of life. Yes, God blesses us with friends who are closer than family along the way. Yes, we can do these separations successfully and even joyfully at times. But saying goodbye to your best friend and lover NEVER gets easier. Telling the man you love most,” I’ll see you in a year”, hurts more than getting your wisdom teeth pulled, more than giving birth without an epidural. And I believe with time, it actually gets harder.  The longer I know my man, the more I love him. The more time we spend apart, the more I want to be with him. And I know from experiencing past separations, this year will have hard times. It will have lonely nights. There will be long, slow weekends. There will be days I just want daddy to come home and tell me what to do with these kids of ours.  Days when I just want a hug like only he can give me. I’ll miss fixing him his favorite meals. I’ll miss him being in the driver’s seat. My list could go on and on.  BUT, I also know, from the depth of who I am, that I can do this. Not on my own. Not at all by my own strength. But though Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. All things are possible with Him. I can do more than survive this year. I can thrive.

 As I look back to the beginning of our relationship, it wasn’t BAD, well, yeah it was,  but it has DEFINITELY gotten BETTER. And I know it’s not the end. The end will be even better than now, I have no doubt. We’ve learned so much. We’ve experienced much. And we’re still growing. Together, and in our walks with Christ. He has good plans for us, a future full of hope.

This morning, and the month leading up to today, was not AWFUL, but it did hurt like heck. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster- especially for me, and I am pretty sure the ride’s not over yet. It’s been sprinkled with good times, joy in the midst of the trial. And even today, there was sweetness. One last morning with my man before the sun rose. Hot coffee. Holding hands. The quiet house, our prayer time. Of course I cried. It’s one of the things I will miss most. I will miss getting up early, while most of the world is still in bed. O-dark thirty is one of my favorite times of day because of Johnny.  I will miss the sweet morning times with him. I will miss holding his hands and praying over our day and our little family. I will miss sipping coffee in the quiet with him. I already long for him to come back so we can do it again. Our 15 year old got up to kiss him goodbye today. The other 2 said their goodbyes last night after a family fun night with pizza, cards, some good ole lego rock band, that ended with one of our favorite things to do together- eat ice cream.

We drove to Ft. Bragg, and I kissed him one last time before he walked away carrying those bags. That was it. I’ll see you in a year.  (Or hopefully maybe in about 8 months for a short R and R.)  I am so proud of that man. I am proud to be known as his wife. Household 6. I never knew I could love a person the way I love him. I never understood how 2 people could be ONE.  But we can, and we are. I got  back in the van as half of me just walked away….. to get on an airplane and fly across the world, with a bunch of other green suitors who know what it means to sacrifice their lives for the sake of others….. I drove home in tears, full of sadness, but also with Peace. It’s Peace that doesn’t make sense, but that’s ok. Worship music playing as loud as it could go.  He has called us to this life. He has prepared the way. I don’t know how women do this without God. It would just be too much.  Jesus truly is my Hope and any Strength that I have.

He’s the Hope that is the anchor of my soul. Firm and Secure. Even when my heart feels ripped apart, broken, I can trust Him. When my mind says I can’t do this, He reminds me I can, with Him. When I am weak, He is strong.  He is always faithful. He is always Good. He loves me and He will never leave me. He hears my cries and He catches my tears. His grace is sufficient for me. His grace is sufficient for my children. He is enough.

 My goal is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. Like Peter walking on water, I know that if I glance at the storm around me, I will sink. But if my gaze is on Him, I can do this. He’s the perfect author of this story. I’m asking God to teach me how to truly rest in Him, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m trusting He has gone before me, before my children, before my husband to Iraq.  He is our Protector and Provider. He alone is Sovereign. He is in control. He is our Peace. I want to be still and know that I know that I know, that He is God and He’s got this.

I believe the end of this deployment will be better than its beginning. I look forward, thru blurring tears and puffy eyes, to seeing what God will do.