My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart. Psalm 24:6-7

Day 10

 Going to bed with a smile this evening. We finally got to video skype with Johnny! A real call that wasn’t constantly disconnecting. We could see his face, and he ours. The kids were still up, so it was nice. Nice to talk like a family about the day, like we would normally do around the dinner table. Nice to see each others’ smiles. I even noticed the kids obeyed a little more quickly with daddy’s face on the computer screen! His presence is missed greatly in our home, by all of us. It was a sweet blessing to see and hear the man of our house, the man who holds my heart,  even though it  was not long enough. We learn to be thankful for any bit we get.

Spent the day with new friends, at the pool in 95 degree weather.  I successfully avoided a sunburn. Johnny would be proud of me.  I appreciate who God is bringing into our lives here.  We have been here almost a year, but I still feel new in many ways. And yet I feel at home since it the third time we have come to Bragg, and we know this is where God has planted us on purpose. I’m comfortable with the surroundings and have many connections, but I don’t have too many close relationships- yet. I realize these take time. And time I do have. And time I do guard. I’m being extra careful this deployment to not pack our schedules. Not to overcommit.

 He is building us up, day by day. He takes care of us in so many ways. Many we realize, and probably so many of which we don’t even have a clue.  I can think back over each duty station past and see God’s faithfulness. His hand in our lives, perfectly placing new friends and neighbors, some who would last forever and some for a season. Some who would leave and then come back.  The army is a much smaller world than it seems. We often meet mutual friends of friends. Just last summer, a friend from Virginia came to visit and brought her old friend(that I had never met) who lives in Hawaii but was also visiting NC at the time. She(Hawaii friend) was talking about her neighbor on the island whose description seemed unusually familiar to me. From what she was saying, I had a hunch that she was talking about an old neighbor of mine. I asked her name, and when we realized her neighbor used to be my neighbor- We both started screaming and jumping up in down in the middle of the living room.  How wild is that. What’s the chance of a stranger coming to visit who actually lives thousands of miles away next door to an old friend of yours? And then actually figuring it out! She phoned that old friend of mine and I got to chat with her right then and there. I love how God connects His people to one another. Like a big beautiful, but invisible spider web. One that I don’t mind being stuck in.  Months later I was surprised by a box in the mail- the friend of my two friends sent me Hawaiian coffee and chocolate macadamia nut candy. Life is sweet and God is good.

I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. Psalm 3:5

Day 8

The Lord sustains me. He is faithful, even when I am not. With each day comes new mercy. Even though time is sometimes slow, it has not stopped. We have survived one whole week, plus today.

I remember when we were in college. Johnny would have to go away for the weekend for track meets and I would miss him so. I couldn’t wait for him to get back. It felt like forever. Every time the home phone rang I would get a spark of hope that it would be him, calling to say hi, calling to say he was coming home early.  I would have never guessed our future together would hold years apart. Since we first met, we have always spent lots of time with one another (probably more time than we should have at first.) We like being together, even if we’re doing nothing and it’s silent. We are comfortable together.  He did do a couple months here at Ft Bragg. Jonni was a baby, we were planning our little fall wedding. He left for the summer. Our first big “separation”.

God showed me His sweet faithfulness during that separation 15 years ago.  Johnny and I wrote paper letters back and forth as much as we could. And to my delight, I received one that I will never forget and that I thank God for to this day. One that changed our lives. An answer to prayer. I know my mouth fell open as I read it again to make sure I understood what it said. I know tears dripped down my cheeks. I know I have it somewhere in a box, I should find it. There, or I should say here, at advanced camp, Johnny gave his life to Christ.  Ironically, it was an Army Chaplain at Fort Bragg who led him to know Jesus as his Lord and Savior.

 

It was the beginning of God using our military separations for His purposes and glory, and for our good. The first of many.

I’m going to bed thankful tonight. Thankful that my God is in control.  Thankful He’s writing this story. Thankful that He can use anything for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Thankful to have a husband I love so much it hurts. Thankful, dare I say, for unwanted separation and suffering that bring forth His glory, that draw us closer to Him, and even to each other.  Thankful for kids who are growing up in a place where their daddy gave his life to the Lord, and a place where life might not be easy, but it is abundant. Thankful for the memories.  Thankful for freedom, both physical and spiritual. Thankful that as I fall asleep tonight, even though my bed is empty, my Lord will not blink an eye. He’s watching over us. He sustains me.

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. Hebrews 4:1

Day 7

 Yesterday was blah. I felt sick. Going to chapel without Johnny just doesn’t seem the same. I didn’t even sit in our normal pew.  Fellow military folks understand, but it doesn’t make it any better. There’s mostly couples and families. Doing the things I normally do with Johnny without him is a constant reminder  that we are only at the very beginning of a year of this new way of life. I don’t want attention, and I don’t want to be treated special, maybe I will get used to this. I doubt it.

I did take my “normal” Sunday nap, and did not do any housework. A day off. It was easy since I haven’t been getting as much sleep as I need. Slept so soundly that I almost missed a call from my man. So thankful that Kara woke me up in time hear his voice. Technology is better than we expected it would be. So far I have heard from him one way or another at least once a day, if not more. Haven’t seen his face yet, except in a still picture. I miss looking into his eyes. I miss noticing how fast his hair grows out.  Ah, those dimples when he smiles. We are one of those unusual couples who share the same love languages. Physical touch is primary for both of us, second is quality time. We will get neither. No wonder deployment feels like moving to another country. Guess it’s time to learn a foreign language.

Memorial Day.  We celebrated with other army families.  Yummy  food, good conversations and hours in the sun, playing in the pool- for the kids at least. I enjoyed sitting in the quiet shade watching them. It made the day go quickly. I can’t explain how that invitation blessed me. We didn’t sit at home remembering alone. My heart is so sad for the women who found out just yesterday that their men are not coming home. Don’t even want to think about it. Can’t dwell on those possibilities. May God give those young widows an extra dose of grace. Those children His comfort. May He surround them with His unfailing love.

Revelation came today. I was pondering the Israelites and the way they missed God’s rest.  They looked at the Land that God had promised them, a land flowing with milk and honey, and only two of them saw beyond the giants. The rest were afraid, unbelieving. They were stuck in their tracks, unwilling to fight for what was theirs, even with God’s help and blessing. Because of that, they suffered (and their families), for forty years , wandering in the wilderness. They wasted time. They never got there.

Parts of this month, and this last week, have felt like times in the wilderness. I know God’s promises. I know He has good plans for us.  I know He is with me, and for me. But when I have looked ahead, I have seen the giant obstacles in front of me. It’s true. Doing this year is not all fun and games, not super easy. I see giants of Loneliness. Fear. The Unknown even.

I could choose to see those giants and say that I can’t do it, that I wanna go back. But then I take the chance of wandering this whole year, suffering, missing out on what God has for me, for my family. Missing the rest He has for me. Missing my promised land here on earth, while Johnny is deployed.  His Kingdom Come, His will be done. Or I can be full of faith like Caleb and Joshua, and see beyond the giants.  Like Caleb, I can silence the doubts and know that this is doable. No more grumbling. Just getting on my face in His Presence like Moses and Aaron and crying out to Him. Remembering all that He has already done to get us this far and trusting that He is leading us on this journey, that He is writing this story. He knows the end from the beginning, even when I don’t. Lord help me to see tomorrow with faith, and the next day.  Give me Your perspective of my giants. I know that You are bigger, that You are able. More than I could ask for or imagine.  I don’t want to waste this year, I yearn to enter that Rest and stop wandering, thru You Jesus.