This morning I said goodbye (for now) again to the man of my dreams. I never imagined the life or relationship I would have with Johnny that day I met him outside the college cafeteria some 18 years ago. Man, times flies. I give God all the glory for this life. I am ever so grateful for the man He placed in my life that day. We were just kids. But I knew the minute he called me “Taz”, and said I looked familiar, it was the beginning of something new God was doing. Sounds crazy I know, but something inside of me did a flip right then, and my life has never been the same since. Like a piece of the puzzle snapped together. Our story has bumps and turns, good times and bad, twists and trials; we’ve made our share of not so smart decisions along the way. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My story with Johnny. Our Story with God. It’s a story of redemption, a story of love, and a story about not giving up, a story filled with the fingerprints of God. It was, and is still being, woven together by the Master Creator, ever so gently, and oh so beautifully.
The beginning of a deployment just plain SUCKS. Any seasoned army wife who has said it gets easier, LIED! IT gets HARDER! Yes, we learn to cope with this way of life. Yes, God blesses us with friends who are closer than family along the way. Yes, we can do these separations successfully and even joyfully at times. But saying goodbye to your best friend and lover NEVER gets easier. Telling the man you love most,” I’ll see you in a year”, hurts more than getting your wisdom teeth pulled, more than giving birth without an epidural. And I believe with time, it actually gets harder. The longer I know my man, the more I love him. The more time we spend apart, the more I want to be with him. And I know from experiencing past separations, this year will have hard times. It will have lonely nights. There will be long, slow weekends. There will be days I just want daddy to come home and tell me what to do with these kids of ours. Days when I just want a hug like only he can give me. I’ll miss fixing him his favorite meals. I’ll miss him being in the driver’s seat. My list could go on and on. BUT, I also know, from the depth of who I am, that I can do this. Not on my own. Not at all by my own strength. But though Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. All things are possible with Him. I can do more than survive this year. I can thrive.
As I look back to the beginning of our relationship, it wasn’t BAD, well, yeah it was, but it has DEFINITELY gotten BETTER. And I know it’s not the end. The end will be even better than now, I have no doubt. We’ve learned so much. We’ve experienced much. And we’re still growing. Together, and in our walks with Christ. He has good plans for us, a future full of hope.
This morning, and the month leading up to today, was not AWFUL, but it did hurt like heck. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster- especially for me, and I am pretty sure the ride’s not over yet. It’s been sprinkled with good times, joy in the midst of the trial. And even today, there was sweetness. One last morning with my man before the sun rose. Hot coffee. Holding hands. The quiet house, our prayer time. Of course I cried. It’s one of the things I will miss most. I will miss getting up early, while most of the world is still in bed. O-dark thirty is one of my favorite times of day because of Johnny. I will miss the sweet morning times with him. I will miss holding his hands and praying over our day and our little family. I will miss sipping coffee in the quiet with him. I already long for him to come back so we can do it again. Our 15 year old got up to kiss him goodbye today. The other 2 said their goodbyes last night after a family fun night with pizza, cards, some good ole lego rock band, that ended with one of our favorite things to do together- eat ice cream.
We drove to Ft. Bragg, and I kissed him one last time before he walked away carrying those bags. That was it. I’ll see you in a year. (Or hopefully maybe in about 8 months for a short R and R.) I am so proud of that man. I am proud to be known as his wife. Household 6. I never knew I could love a person the way I love him. I never understood how 2 people could be ONE. But we can, and we are. I got back in the van as half of me just walked away….. to get on an airplane and fly across the world, with a bunch of other green suitors who know what it means to sacrifice their lives for the sake of others….. I drove home in tears, full of sadness, but also with Peace. It’s Peace that doesn’t make sense, but that’s ok. Worship music playing as loud as it could go. He has called us to this life. He has prepared the way. I don’t know how women do this without God. It would just be too much. Jesus truly is my Hope and any Strength that I have.
He’s the Hope that is the anchor of my soul. Firm and Secure. Even when my heart feels ripped apart, broken, I can trust Him. When my mind says I can’t do this, He reminds me I can, with Him. When I am weak, He is strong. He is always faithful. He is always Good. He loves me and He will never leave me. He hears my cries and He catches my tears. His grace is sufficient for me. His grace is sufficient for my children. He is enough.
My goal is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. Like Peter walking on water, I know that if I glance at the storm around me, I will sink. But if my gaze is on Him, I can do this. He’s the perfect author of this story. I’m asking God to teach me how to truly rest in Him, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m trusting He has gone before me, before my children, before my husband to Iraq. He is our Protector and Provider. He alone is Sovereign. He is in control. He is our Peace. I want to be still and know that I know that I know, that He is God and He’s got this.
I believe the end of this deployment will be better than its beginning. I look forward, thru blurring tears and puffy eyes, to seeing what God will do.
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