Day 2
Avoided going to bed last night, for a little while. Like if I didn’t go up there, then there would not be an empty bed to get into. The kids have been amazing. They truly are resilient. Thankful that God has given them to me, that I don’t have to do this year alone, alone. They were all tucked in, the house was dark and quiet again. How I like it—if Johnny is home.
I laid on the couch to watch a DVR’d show that I would usually save for after my hubby was home, so we could fast forward thru the commercials together. The couch is more comfortable when he’s my pillow! And I think I almost made it to the end (Johnny always tells me if I wanna stay up, then I shouldn’t lay down), but must have fallen asleep, because all the sudden the Disney channel was blaring, I had missed a text from him, and I recognized it was time to make the dreaded climb up to the empty room. Make myself do it. Get it over with. Sleeping on the couch for a year is not a good plan. Not for me at least. I need my rest.
Sometimes I tease the kids that I wish I had my own room like each one of them, but I now need to clarify. Now that I have my “own” room, I wish I didn’t. I like sharing. I changed my mind. I don’t want my space. I want my man.
There is less crying today, so far, less sadness, I think. Or maybe it’s just a little more controlled. Haven’t yet experience the joy that comes in the morning. I still seem like I am on the verge of tears very easily, like the dam could break at any time. Even other emotions I feel trigger that lump in my throat, and I close my eyes and hold my breath to try and hold back the river. Something in me, my heart, I suppose, just feels literally broken. Like something’s missing. And of course, I know what it is, who it is.
A sweet friend reminded me this morning what God says thru Isaiah. “I, even I, am the one who comforts you.” I need that Comfort, that Help, My Advocate. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. That’s me. Broken hearted and crushed in spirit. That means He’s near. He’s fighting for me. That gives me hope.
Praying for my man today. Praying he will be filled with strength and peace from God Almighty. The Lord gives strength to His people, He blesses His people with peace. Praying he will be kept safe, and yet walk confidently and without fear. – just got a text while I was typing- he’s still stuck in an airport waiting for airplane maintenance, still, not even left the country yet, I dropped him off over 24 hours ago.—Asking God to use this time for His glory and purposes. To rest these guys and prepare them for the mission. It is nice to get this “extra” communication with him a little before he leaves, leaves.
Time to figure out the NEW NORMAL. What will my days look like? Not that any day is ever the same. Or season. We move a lot, and so our normals change often. He’s doing something new. My Story with Johnny, and Our Story with God, is not over, and it’s not even on pause. It’s just a new chapter. He’s thickening the plot. He’s taking us new places. Roads thru the wilderness. By water in the desert, maybe there will be green pastures, new mercies every morning...I’m ready to take this journey with Him. God show me the way. Order my steps today. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear what You are doing. May the desires of my heart come from You.
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