Day 5
How can weekends be full throttle when he’s home, and feel like they drag on when he’s gone? Like every hour has twice as many minutes. I wanna check the battery in the clock to see if it’s still working. I love weekends because my hubby is home. I feel a little lost without him. Not because I don’t know where I am. But because I don’t know what to do. I have things to do, a list actually. But the lack of him has changed everything. I have no motivation (just ask my kids about meal times-it’s definitely different when I know daddy is coming home). At the same time, lying around sounds even less appealing. This is restlessness. The exact opposite of what I am asking God to teach me, what I want to experience. Honestly, if Johnny were home, he would probably be sitting at his computer or watching a basketball game. I wouldn’t be at his side right now or have his full attention. Why do I miss that so much? Just knowing he’s close I guess. Available if I need him or wanna cuddle, if I wanna say something to him without typing it or waiting for him to call.
I wanna learn to REST when I know where Johnny is, and when I don’t. When I’m alone, or when we’re together. When I can see him and when I can’t. I wanna REST in the busyness of summer, and REST in the slowness of weekends without him. I wanna REST in faith, knowing that my God is Who He says He is no matter which mood or circumstance I find myself, whether my husband is at home or in the war zone. That’s really what it comes down to. This is not about me. My focus is ajar. I have to stop focusing on the fact that my husband is deployed. I need to focus on the truth that my God will never leave me or forsake me, He doesn’t deploy. Nothing can separate me from His love. I yearn for contentment. Peace. Rest in my soul. I know the “right” things to do. Pray, worship, be thankful. Be in His Word. I am. And yet I feel restless on the inside. Like when you’re hungry, and craving something, but you can’t exactly put your finger on it. Nothing in the pantry looks satisfying, or tastes quite like what you want.
I know what I want is my husband- here with me. I know what I need is my God. He is the One who can fix this problem. Not by bringing my man home, but by calming my spirit. Lord, help me focus my eyes on You. Tune my ears into what You are saying to me. You rejoice over me with singing. Let me hear the song. Transform my heart according to Your plans, not mine. Quiet me with Your Love Jesus. Take off my blinders. Cut loose whatever is holding me back from experiencing Your fullness. Instead of focusing on what I don’t have, Help me fix my eyes on what I do have- the God of the universe who wants to abide with me, when my husband is home, and when he is gone.
I am seeking Him. The One who deserves all glory and honor, no matter what. My Protector and my Provider. The One who loves me more than my husband is able. The One who gave me Johnny. The One who set up our meeting that day during freshman week at college. The One who knows our past and loves us anyway. The very One who has redeemed our relationship and shown us how to love each other the way we do. My eternal bridegroom. The One Who died so that I can live. He is more than enough. And He promises that if I seek Him I will find Him. I believe it. I'll wait on Him.
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